Today was bittersweet and sickening. I bought my car about a year ago today. B hadn't relapsed yet. I imagined our children in their cars sits in the big, shiny-new SUV. I imagined hugging the curves on the mountain roads in Maine.. or day trips to the beach in Ogunquit. The rack behind the seat holding towels and diaper bags and a cooler.
My car was past inspection as of January 31st. I had been driving around with an expired sticker for over a week and only noticed yesterday. I took my car in to my local repair shop and the owner who has known me for years reminded me that B's Saturn was under my name still and I got got nauseous. That car was still in my friend's driveway. I parked it there in July and it has sat there for almost 7 months. The registration is expired and the plates haven't been turned in and I have no way of contacting my friend as his phone number is in the cell phone that B took when he left.
He left another message today. " Please write me a letter honey". That was all he said and I was enraged and devastated again. HOW DARE HE!! After the car was finished I went shopping alone.. came home alone, carried bags alone, ate dinner alone and took care of my sick cat. He left me unable to handle giving her an IV alone and I thank God that she no longer needs that. My poor little sweetheart misses B and often wakes from a deep sleep meowing loudly and looking around the dark room. I know she is looking for him and I want to find him and HURT him for hurting us so badly. I have to work tomorrow and I cannot sleep. I have the heating blanket in the bed again... it was a very cold day.
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