Very Cold Day

Today was bittersweet and sickening. I bought my car about a year ago today. B hadn't relapsed yet. I imagined our children in their cars sits in the big, shiny-new SUV. I imagined hugging the curves on the mountain roads in Maine.. or day trips to the beach in Ogunquit. The rack behind the seat holding towels and diaper bags and a cooler.
My car was past inspection as of January 31st. I had been driving around with an expired sticker for over a week and only noticed yesterday. I took my car in to my local repair shop and the owner who has known me for years reminded me that B's Saturn was under my name still and I got got nauseous. That car was still in my friend's driveway. I parked it there in July and it has sat there for almost 7 months. The registration is expired and the plates haven't been turned in and I have no way of contacting my friend as his phone number is in the cell phone that B took when he left.
He left another message today. " Please write me a letter honey". That was all he said and I was enraged and devastated again. HOW DARE HE!! After the car was finished I went shopping alone.. came home alone, carried bags alone, ate dinner alone and took care of my sick cat. He left me unable to handle giving her an IV alone and I thank God that she no longer needs that. My poor little sweetheart misses B and often wakes from a deep sleep meowing loudly and looking around the dark room. I know she is looking for him and I want to find him and HURT him for hurting us so badly. I have to work tomorrow and I cannot sleep. I have the heating blanket in the bed again... it was a very cold day.

Off Tomorrow

This is always bad. I cried all the way home tonight after work. The lines on the highway blurred and I felt sick. I was thinking about the fact that B didn't think highly enough of me to stop and re-think his actions before leaving Sat the 31st of Jan -- this Sat will make it two weeks he is gone. I am pretty sure he is at his mother's house. He used me again... got his particular worries all squared away.. reinstated his health coverage through Medicaid. Checked in with his monthly visit to his probation officer. All these places that I drove him to on my days off! I sat for hours in filthy, derelict filled rooms while being exposed to the dredge of humanity and their kin. Would he ever do this for me? I was crying, not only from the horrible realization that I meant nothing to this man who I gave virtually everything I had emotionally and physically to, but because of shame. Shame that I had been used... that I wasn't smart enough to not help him in his preparations. I KNEW what he was up to. I accused him of "getting his things ready so he can disappear" but I was met with defiance and guilt that I would not believe him. Over and over he said the words.. " I am not going anywhere" and I never believed him. I didn't fight with him over it - but NEVER believed a word he said. My own Mother took his side.. told me to back off and give him a little benefit of the doubt. All for nothing... all the while I was correct in my suspicions. It hurts to hear his phone calls. He speaks as if nothing happened. As if he had not wronged me or betrayed me again in any way. He has the BALLS to tell me how well he is doing and make sure he lets me know that he is at the doctor and that he loves me and misses me OH SO MUCH. When I thought of all of this... the hours spent at the Human Resources office, the time in my car double - parked while his probation officer shuffled him through the system, the fact that I fell for it AGAIN! I never trusted my instincts ... I let him make me believe that I am some sort of tyrant that is barking unreasonable requests and wants all control over him. This is true though and I have to believe that 3 straight years of mental cruelty, lies, betrayal and abuse will do that to a person. I was crying for what we might have been had he actually been a man. This is what he claims he is doing... on his own to come back to me as a man. And he does this without ever asking or bothering to care if I want him back. It's sickening ... degrading and pushed me over the edge tonight. No messages this evening and I am off tomorrow. We will see what the day brings and I will do my best to hold on.

Snow Day

So it snowed again today. I hate it when it snows because it reminds me of snowmobiling in Lake Placid with B. B would be the man who is causing me all this stress. The reason I felt the need to start a blog and get it all off my chest. No one is following this blog. I feel insignificant.. not because of the blog not being looked at by strangers but because the man who was supposed to "love me more than life" feels it is fine to sneak out of the house an hour before I get home like a rat sneaking out of the sewer. He left another message on my phone yesterday.
"Hi honey, just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you - I am doing really well, I am at the doctor taking care of myself and I miss you". Are you FU*KING KIDDING ME!??! It's infuriating! I spent all last night fuming and then depressed while I watched the snow come down today. No messages today on the voicemail. I am trying hard to hate him but it isn't easy. It's been 11 days since this "houdini" and counting. I am DREADING the rest of the week and Valentine's Day.

The Letter

Ok... so I got this letter today. He wrote it on loose leaf paper with no return address. I guess he thinks I am the Great Karnak and I know where he is. My best guess is that he is hiding at mommy's house again. Locked into the middle bedroom where she turns a blind eye on his drug habit and his drinking. I have been with him nearly four years and for the past 3 he has been randomly relapsing -- though he did spend almost a year clean. At this point however, I do not know whether this is true or not. He left our apartment last Saturday night some time in the hour before I arrive home from work. He took almost nothing with him. This is not the first time this has happened and should I let him come back to me it certainly won't be the last! He has been leaving messages on my voicemail... he left with MY phone and no charger. I cannot get in touch with him nor know when he is calling to leave these messages. All of them are the same... " I miss you - I'm sorry - I am not relapsing... etc". The reason I am starting this blog is to try and make this the LAST time on my end. I do not want to live life this way and have a hard time abandoning someone I truly do care for and has legitimate mental health issues but I am dying here and I hate life. He feels he is justified to just disappear on a whim as long as he says he is sorry and acknowledges he left. This is unacceptable! No matter what the excuse! Even today -- with his letter dripping with that false sweetness... he asks "please write me back".. the crack head didn't leave a return address! I am sitting here baffled... I don't know how to handle this. If anyone cares to .. please comment with your thoughts. All are welcome : )