Off Tomorrow

This is always bad. I cried all the way home tonight after work. The lines on the highway blurred and I felt sick. I was thinking about the fact that B didn't think highly enough of me to stop and re-think his actions before leaving Sat the 31st of Jan -- this Sat will make it two weeks he is gone. I am pretty sure he is at his mother's house. He used me again... got his particular worries all squared away.. reinstated his health coverage through Medicaid. Checked in with his monthly visit to his probation officer. All these places that I drove him to on my days off! I sat for hours in filthy, derelict filled rooms while being exposed to the dredge of humanity and their kin. Would he ever do this for me? I was crying, not only from the horrible realization that I meant nothing to this man who I gave virtually everything I had emotionally and physically to, but because of shame. Shame that I had been used... that I wasn't smart enough to not help him in his preparations. I KNEW what he was up to. I accused him of "getting his things ready so he can disappear" but I was met with defiance and guilt that I would not believe him. Over and over he said the words.. " I am not going anywhere" and I never believed him. I didn't fight with him over it - but NEVER believed a word he said. My own Mother took his side.. told me to back off and give him a little benefit of the doubt. All for nothing... all the while I was correct in my suspicions. It hurts to hear his phone calls. He speaks as if nothing happened. As if he had not wronged me or betrayed me again in any way. He has the BALLS to tell me how well he is doing and make sure he lets me know that he is at the doctor and that he loves me and misses me OH SO MUCH. When I thought of all of this... the hours spent at the Human Resources office, the time in my car double - parked while his probation officer shuffled him through the system, the fact that I fell for it AGAIN! I never trusted my instincts ... I let him make me believe that I am some sort of tyrant that is barking unreasonable requests and wants all control over him. This is true though and I have to believe that 3 straight years of mental cruelty, lies, betrayal and abuse will do that to a person. I was crying for what we might have been had he actually been a man. This is what he claims he is doing... on his own to come back to me as a man. And he does this without ever asking or bothering to care if I want him back. It's sickening ... degrading and pushed me over the edge tonight. No messages this evening and I am off tomorrow. We will see what the day brings and I will do my best to hold on.